This was a quick evening kayak excursion after work last week. (Sorry, i don't have a mount for the camera so i was just holding it in one hand and hand-paddling with the other. And i don't know why the audio is absent at the beginning and comes in at the end, and same with the slow motion, but whatevs.) I'm pretty sure things are going to be okay.
It's a little over two months right now to get in to see the PA to have the VNS device checked. I probably could express greater urgency, but meh. I have these perfect, flat magnets i can use to turn the motherfucker off in the event i feel like my heart is going whacky and i need to eliminate that as the reason.
I kayaked and played hockey and while i'm still wicked tired all the time, i didn't drop dead of a coronary event or anything.
My April fool's weekend was another delicious couple of days on the Lochsa along the Selway-Bitteroot Wilderness and even still, i feel taut as a drum in my chest. I'm surrounded by golden, crepuscular bursts of radiant spring light, new leaves, vibrant hues, emerging victorious blossoms, hope, fresh growth, rain kisses sparkling on clean earth, exuberant bird songs, rejuvenating rivers, and a million other omens of yes! ... yet, i'm a shrew. Uneasy. Keeping my bumbershoot open, not so much for the spring rains as for the seemingly ever-imminent, god-forsaken, other shoe.
Right now i don't know if it will be a family member, something global, a big seizure, something stupid with cannabis legislation or my own vulnerable cannabis-dependent situation, or what, but i have an awful sense of foreboding. It will be okay, ultimately. It will be okay; i still feel that to be true, but what's impending that has me so edgy i wonder? Maybe i'm high (likely), but i don't normally feel like this. I'm pretty sure. That i can remember. Well, maybe i am 'Always-Something-Allison'. Shoot me now. Gah. Don't. Sheesh.
Love you.
Night.
Everything's going to be alright. Eventually. I promise us.
Yes, everything is going to be okay. The universe is fucked up right now. You are exquisitely sensitive and probably feel a bit of that. It will pass.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up i was always 'the sensitive twin'. i didn't care much for that assessment back then. It never seemed to have very positive connotations. Now, though, reflecting on it, i'd rather have a worn-out, threadbare soul with all the feels over one that is poised, stoic and detached. I'm glad to be a part of this big, living, breathing web, even if it hurts sometimes.
DeleteWhat Elizabeth said. I think that all of us are going through something right now. "All of us" being the sensitive ones. Sometimes I wish I was just a cow.
ReplyDeleteThat video is gorgeous. Woman- you seize life! I am in awe of you.
You're adorable. I love salad. Let's be cows together.
DeleteKayaking in salmon colored river water. I was pondering, what words would help Ajax feel better? Then I realized, the bestest medicine and psychotherapy is being outdoors. And you are already there.
ReplyDeleteI often wonder why I have premonitions of trivia, yet not even once have I gotten the lottery number premonition. WTF? Here is hoping your sense of impending turned out to be a turned over Ben and Jerry's truck with an immanent meltage and Ajax to the rescue. Do you have a spoon handy?
I suspect your VNS is the culprit as well as the remedy. Be well, my sweet brown eyed girl. xo
I miss you Jane! Are you going to be able to make it for the party for Mike and Lynn? Hope to see you there so i can execute a mongo bear hug and smooches on your cheeks! Hope you're enjoying this glorious spring down there. Fondle some dirt for me - i've yet to get out in the yard. Soon! Gah!
DeleteI hope you feel better today. I often have this and it usually takes me the best part of the day or more to fond the source, not that I have the courage to actually look for it, mind you. But eventually, I'll stumble on it, a tooth ache or a sound that triggered a memory or a smell, a taste, a sharp voice whatever triggered these premonitions. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteHere is hoping your sense of impending turned out to be a turned over Ben and Jerry's truck with an immanent meltage and Ajax to the rescue. Do you have a spoon handy?
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