...
Did a terrible thing. I almost forgot.
Are we still national news out there?
Had the gall distracting local law-enforcement folks and agencies, (even more than i already have), during a major investigation.
After my skirmish with police, one of my EMT friends suggested getting the bodycam footage so it got me thinking.
Honestly, that interaction, i remember plenty. So i didn't.
Since then I've been working with my neurologist to shore up some Emergency Action Plan protocols. (EAP! sounds about right.) And realizing my perpective's pitifully limited despite the extent of my seizure-having career. So maybe this couldld serve as an insightful measure.
I'd asked the medic/chief about being transported earlier in the month- if it was one of the other medics, maybe, that hadn't been as patient as usual giving me time to come out. It was the only instance i'd ever called 911 on myself, i knew, so presumed maybe they'd arrived quicker, in time to load me onto the gurney and haul me in before i started waking up.
I'd been caught out longer than planned. It was dark. I was out with my dog and kept getting lost and losing/dropping things- leash, mittens, whatnot. I knew i was having seizures, at least partials. In leiu of the tether I'd had at the start, i slipped one of those keychain lanyards around her, that i had. It must have caught up on something and left a ribbon you can see in the video. Sorry Tater! At some point before the police arrived, I'd lost her, panicked and called dispatch. They were amazing. Even though I sucked. I remember the squad car pulling up. I remember just beyond where he found me, there was dirt and gravel and trying to crawl off the asphalt. But that's about all until I was home the next day.
She answered, "I was the medic for this last one. It was bad. You weren't coming out of it.''... "You weren’t breathing, which you usually don’t for a bit, but then the seizure slows and you do. It was a long time, that you weren’t. When mpd arrived you were on your knees and immediately went into another seizure. They called us. You were still seizing when I got there, and blue". oh.
So given all that and all my cleverness, i requested footage of that seizure, from a week or two earlier...
Usually I think i have a decent guage of severety, but the last few months have been kind of muddled. I hadn't bit my mouth too badly for that one and they'd let me out of the hospital before sunrise the next morning.
I'm still not sure the color quite checks out. But it was worse than i imagined. For sure. Full admission.
Coincidentally, one of my favorite YouTube creators posted a video yesterday of one of her sheep having a seizure. People in the comments were confessing to crying and feeling upset; while I watched and wasn't bothered one bit. It was easy projecting my experiences onto the ewe and knowing she wasn't hurting at all. Seeing her fall in her plush wooly coat, gently onto a soft bed of straw. Knowing she wasn't conscious for most of it. No big deal! (For me!)
When an email sprung up in my inbox later that day, i'd almost forgotten i'd requested it. i was almost surprised, for whatever reason, anything had come of it. Part of me thought, no big deal, i'll be able to watch it and dissociate from the situation knowing i'm checked out. Like watching the sheep.
But it didn't go that way exactly. At the start, i was like, faaaaaaake! One of those seizure spoof, parody videos. A real travesty to the real seizure-havers out there. It was pretty different from watching one in a controlled, hospital environment on a VEEG potato cam- seeing it all play out. Guess I'm a little more convinced now. Kind of. Never presumed anyone was being an exagger-badger before, but i'm understanding how my leading drama-llama role riles everyone a little. Still some hokey parts, for sure. And the music is fittingly staged too, (even though i was talking to dispatch on the phone just before, so who knows why or how it was still playing in the background.) Quality theatrical entertainment is all i can say.
Maybe clobbering the long-departed drafthorse to death in my last post the 48 hours before left me vulnerable to post-seizure-footage ingestion gastrointestinal distress. I over-work everything in art. My main cope is avoidance, but i'm an anxious creator. Especially involving anything to do with seizures. And now after watching I'm shook. My dog, the army of helpers. me. All resilient, but it doesn't make me hate it any less. So. Forgive my rudely passing it on. (Here- get a whiff! It's super gross! C'mon! Check it out!)
In my usual fashion of dragging maimed varmints in the cat door, here's a thing. It's worse watching than going through. I highly recommend you save yourself the half hour and skip the following video content.
And i'll trade any of y'alls resting bitch face for my dreadful old man seizure grimace. Really hoping I don't dawn that particular visage ever in real-life. (Can see why i get called in as a dude pretty often.) None of the facial expressions or noises are emoting- once both of my arms go rigid, I'm oblivious. And even knowing that, it was uncomfortable watching. for me. Anyhow. At least now I know if anyone asks it was me having the seizure, i can just tell them no, it was Sam the Eagle. Amazing likeness, amiright?!
IDK. Maybe i'm just choked up because everyone is even more amazing than i could ever imagine. (And i'm beyond words and comprehension with gratitude and admiration for them already.)
And i still want to get to my sheep-shearing and cop squabble posts soon.
Painted the roses brown and the walls putrid around here already, so what the hay? Tell me if this is just twisted exhibitionism. Being a disturbing, disturber, some sort of perverse attention-seeking behavior. I think it's weird as, myself. I can definitely take it down. I'm guessing it's one of the worst seizures I've had- I would've transported me too. FWIW. Sorry again. Could/would/should probably edit them down, but I'm just going to hold them out with my nose plugged, offer them to you like a couple of bizarre carcasses and continue on shrieking down the hill. Warned you!
If you do, watch it like I watched the sheep- knowing I feel nothing. Don't think of it from any innocent bystander's viewpoint. That's my suggestion. (I'm a bigot and a lot of things, so definitely don't feel bad for *me* about any of it. Save my hideous eagle face. We can all laugh about that.)
(Body camera footage from both officers on scene. Both videos are the same event, as viewed from each officer's perspective.) All the trigger warnings, I guess:
(1st on scene POV)
Oh dear brave woman! I watched it and my first reaction was not tears but admiration. I wish I could somehow come along with you when you go out, just quietly and invisible somewhere in the distance ready to catch you and help you get back on your feet.
ReplyDeleteOh you're amazing. The only admiration needed is for all the responders. (Still kind of chokes me up thinking about it.)
DeleteI'd pay you if i could! ha I think of that regularly- an arrangement where it was understood from the start and wouldn't be encroaching on the boundaries of normal friendship. That's an incredible and thoughtful sentiment. My family's great help, but there's something even a different flavor of hard when it's your family going through it.
Sometimes wonder if i could figure out a deal living in some kind of care home and working for room and board. I tend to really like working with older people and disabled folks.
You're sweet. Thank you for your comments.
Oh, Alison. You know I've seen thousands of those. I wish I'd been there to put your head in my lap.
ReplyDeleteYou're too kind to me. I love you. It really makes me feel for people on the outside- even more than before. Yeesh.
DeleteAt first I thought, "I can't watch this," but then I did because you are brave enough to post these, you are brave enough to live your life and what I saw, as I watched, was the singular beauty of those who arrived to help, who spoke to you, who cared for you, who made sure your dog was okay, who treated you to ensure your safety, your comfort as much as possible. Okay, yes, I cried. But not out of pity or pain. Out of the beauty of human beings in distress and in aid. I'm not making myself clear. But as I watched I was loving you. I was, as Elizabeth was, I'm sure, as Sabine was, wanting to hold your dear head in my lap.
ReplyDeleteIt's an amazing yet strange thing to behold, isn't it? I'm overwhelmed and have so much admiration and gratitude for the seamless and caring response on my behalf. (It also makes me feel a twinge of sad/guilty/weird, if i'm honest, knowing how deeply, especially that particular crew and medic, care for me and their patients. Hearing it in their voices is poignant for me.) It's beautiful, like you said, truly. The sort of altruism that exists in our species can be a thing to behold.
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