Just did the dumbest thing. Darn it. Probably shouldn't admit here or anywhere, but ah, well. After the last few months the last thing I want to do is undermine any last shred of confidence my farmstead boss and his wife might have in me.
The day started normally. I was kind of fuzzy around the time i usually go to work (these days noon or one- ha). I warned my boss by text i was happy going out, but he might wind up seizure puppeteering. (So he can decide- eat his Wheaties or whatever.) Only it wasn't my boss, it was my mom i accidentally sent the text to. So thaaat's always great, worrying my mom on a day she really didn't need to worry.
So i texted my boss for realsies. He replied, "All good, nothing pressing. Rest up. I'll text you tomorrow."
Took Tater dog out on a loop in the snow and felt totally fine. Played fetch like four places.
Hadn't done anything new or different to my knowledge, and don't remember any other specifics other than i woke up, and for whatever head-shaking, face-palming reason i jumped to a most serious conclusion in advance of all the facts and information. ...and texted the one person i should not have.
(And really this could be me independent of seizures and anti-seizure drugs. Seriously. I don't know.) So what i texted them was, (🙄😶😐)... "Is it the apocalypse there too?" (They live just south of town surrounded by windswept wheatfields.)
In my defense, it was foggy. I was thinking it was just a dense morning inversion. We can get a little socked in right in town compared to where they are, so i was wondering if the sun had managed to break through down there a little better. This time of year it seems to take for-ever to get light out, but it 9:30 it should've been much brighter Lord knows why i didn't think things through a little further. ...And i'm sure you see where this is going...
My boss' wife/ boss lady, texted back, "Haven't noticed?! Is your power out??"
and <sigh> i replied, "It's still dark here. Like nighttime." ... ... ... "It is morning right?"...
... My boss, "948 PM!!!"
🙄😑😣🙃😜😖😩😬🤪🥴😳
Help me, Rhonda.
I'm sure i just got over-tired. But yeesh. I'm okay with crazy, i just don't want to be crazy-oblivious. Or maybe i do. Maybe it's better not knowing. Who knows?
Wish i could've stuck with the counseling thing. Wish i could trust in it again. I'm kind of flooded with everything still, but i think i'm doing a little better than i was a week ago.
It definitely all throws me for a loop, sometimes. Could definitly just be crazy. Could definitley just be a stellar dissociator. Could definitely be possessed by demons. Could definitely be exhausted beyond comprehension. Maybe all of the above even.
But at least it's not the apocalypse. So there's that.
Had a really nice visit with my sister since then and got to play Hock-Ay!!! Felt so good. Both things. Maybe i'll get to some of those details, and maybe i'll get to some of the posts i've been marinating on for weeks now. God-willing. We'll see.
Forgive the cringe. (Dare i present you with anything less?!) I love you.
You are not crazy. You are not. You're going through...something. Which must be very scary for you. I, too, wish you could find a counselor that knew what they were doing that you feel comfortable with. Meanwhile, I guess you need to be very, very careful. As always, of course. Is it possible that you are having some sort of different seizure activity? I have no idea. I know nothing. Except that you are precious. And not crazy.
ReplyDeleteHaven't the slightest idea. I'm going to keep faith it's something different like just waking up from a deep, disorienting sleep, because I don't really want to entertain the idea of having seizures that come without a warning. Thanks for your comment. Your kindness and concern are appreciated, but don't worry too much- i've been feeling well since!
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