Logomisia- Odious ode turned essay/tribute to words I hate associated with epilepsy

It's a one word sentence day. And they just came flooding in. Here's a sordid offering:

Low go MEsia: (cringy. ME-centric, self-absorbed nature of seizure ruminations. gaping insecurities. public-scab-picking. self-deprecating. self-flagellating. self-defecating. cathartic. broken telephone. busy signal. line dropped. disconnected) "a strong dislike for a particular word (or type of word) based on its sound, meaning, usage, or associations. Also known as word aversion or verbal virus"

    

-Ode to words and things related to epilepsy that make me squirm. (maybe sad is the word hiding, abiding, dwelling under wriggling skin) a poem, of sorts, (if you will, Generously). liable to updates and revisions/surgical resections. perhaps a work in progress (simmering since forever, maybe, but concocted, spewed out in a tangle the last [...week now].) NOT a reflection of what people with seizures are or should begin to think. Just my own personal associations (not necessarily my own experiences), my own negative thoughts and toxic self-talk. (Full admission my connotations and sentiments surrounding seizures are kind of warped, hyperbolic and unsavory. Maybe not healthy. I know. God-willing i'll be able to amend some of erroneous stories i tell myself in my head someday- forego the catharsis, preoccupation and foreboding. Maybe stop manifesting so much blooping mellowdrama. I don't know.)

(Plenty terms and phrases on this list i don't mind the sound of and some I couldn't love more. The list-starters, however, have been certifiably declared 'logomisic' and hereby guilty as charged.) 

May this also serve as a heartfelt tribute to anyone caring for people with seizures who are bearing so much of the burden helping us and extending incomprehensible amounts of kindness in times of need. Cheers to them the whole world over.

What words make you squirm, dear reader? Have any moist ones for me? Words that catch in your throat? Some gutteral utterances? discordant glottal stops? Not a fan of dipthongs? Won't find me judging. Any words that send shivers or always fall cold? Words with clumsy, clashing syllables? too many consonants to fit in your mouth? uncomfortable connotations? An assemblage of letters that makes your stomach drop out like an icy chasm? Any terms or idioms you particularly like or dislike having to do with seizures or disablity? Words you hate the sound of? Words so pretentious they scream freshly-picked from the clefted crevasse of a an ivy-league pedant?

(Sorry in advance for the following bleak and squalor and blah.) I'm okay. (I've only cried a few hours today. I'm sad but alright.) You all catch me when i'm falling. Every time i come crashing or stumbling back here with more tomfoolery.
Sorry if it feels like a sludge fire in here so often. This space greatly betrays how fortunate i am a majority of the time. It's highly biased toward my dung heaps, cluster flocks, WTF's and losing streaks. Forgive all my venting. Seems like it should help, but it still smells a bit like dirty boxers in here. Old drawers- musty, unwashed, skid-marked, not-so-fresh dundies. expired fruit of the looms. Gloomy. Forgive my not posting more often about the good stuff! I really do have faith. And lots of hope. But i've been a little mired lately and it's easy for me to get caught up in the muck. Sorry the mess. I'm grateful for you. beyond belief. ...Suppose that's all the longer i can delay the rest of this cringe-inducing deluge... (I tried...) 
...
TLDR: bleep epilepsy

Epilepsy- epileptick. blood-sucker. life sucker. Lac Megantic. sucking at life. afraid. infected. gremlins. ghouls. apoplectic. Hulk. menace. Godzilla monster. wreak. havoc. gang up. riled. carnal. gnarled. pestilence. primal. less-than. remedial. bemusment. ride-beggar. serpents. pathways. trodden. tarnished. intractable. terror. riddled. calloused. scoundrel. rascal. abject. mess. queasy. scared. merry-go-round-forever. tilt-a-whirl. benzo-coaster. bucking. bronco. roundup. rodeo. demolition. derby. crash. calamity. cranium. catacombs. vault. crypt. chaos. tomb. Colosseum. dragon's lair. lion's den. dome. demon-strate. syndromes. prostrate. prone. epileprosarium. cranial. skull. exhausted. dull. exhibit. symptoms. spells. spurred. spread. kindled. sparked. promulgated. washed over. wrangled. welled. quashed. apathetic. washed out. blasé. anhedonia. excitable. neurons. moron. sad clown. 'It' 'E' Chucky. haunted. humiliated. erratic. puckish. epileprechaun. rugburn. yanking. pulling. petulant. fall-down. go-boom. old tricks. mischief. concussed. congenital. idiopathic. demoralized. walls up. walled-off. hollow. fortress. cursed. vexed. uninvited. torpedoed. tormented. unseen forces. beleaguered. insane. lame. excuses. sorry, sorry excuse of a human. leech. leaky eyes. fluid excretor. sacred disease. numbskull. cull ewe. bottom-feeder. stiff. stifled. muffled. muted. tuberous. succubus. incubus. sclerotic. terminal velocity. in the hole. medical bills. Buffalo Bill. will-to-live. meat bag. skin suit. big pharma. biohazard. waste-of-space. psycho. basket-case. cabbage head. viscious cycle. ta-da. ta-duh. look at me. la-di-da. yee-haw. who? whee. swings. slides. seen. saw. up. down. down some more. epileper. epileprous. twice-bitten. stricken. struck. SUDEP. sleep forever. unexpected. last breath. disturbing. corrupted. disruptive. extra. wrecking-ball. in-the-ditch. rude. sudden. matchbox. cumbersome. in a pickle. mired. liability. taker. faker. tired. toreodor. tinder drawer. trapped. notorious. barging in. inconvenience. waste of resouces. (sorry again. could not be more sorry) status epilepticus. epileptosaurus wreck.

Fit- (too big. surrender now. give in. concede.) fit of rage. hissy fit. tantrum. temper. conniption. pseudoseizure. psychogenic. PNES (say it out lout in a crowd.) tamp down. trample. tramp. treasonous. bully. beast. Taurus. raging. amorphous. Mephistopheles. snorting. cabinet. locked. clasped. Chinadoll. fractured. glazed. glass. staring. fixed-gaze. peering. hidden. gawking. caged. concealed. fractious. cagy. irascible. bowled-over. steam-rollered. brutal. shattered. twitch. tic. jerk. dried meat. jerky. dead meat. doomed. condemned. brute. jaws. clenched. nashing. chomping. shadow. boxing. fading. fencing. shudder. shiver. shivved. shut down. running on fumes. running through fingers. running through flames. house on fire. crumbling. trembling. tremulous. tremors. shaking. wild. make a scene. circus. tight rope. spectacle. balancing act. ten-out-of-tenuous. lasting impression. shit show. sideshow. surrounded. uh-oh. oh no. weird feeling. guts roiling. strange. estranged. shoving off. perilous. play charades. highwire. haywire. livewire. no great place to have a seizure. nowhere safe. ICU. 'can you see me?' 'know where you are?' unawerewolf. were. where. was-wolf. wrestle. snarl. prowl. howl. preyed on. prayed over. fodder. not awake. unaware. wherewithal. wherewithout. wherewithnone. not within. down-side-up. wrong side out. out-to-lunch. no wits about. wit's end. worn. weary. wary. wriggling. acting up. on-the-fritz. acting out. antics. unusual. unbalanced. not me. disbelief. regress. relapse. fall from standing. collapse. misfit. misfire. disgraced. discharged. missed bus. juggernaut. run over. EEG. spikes. waves. endless ocean. eke out. freak out. dumpster fire. dust-devil. firestorm. brainstorm. tragedy. drama. brain damage. whirlwind. twister. vortex. tempestuous. grimace. gravity-averse. no place in this world. wind-whipped. beaten. lashed down. blown up. shackled. restraints (minus four from scoreboard. five for your neck) negative points. ankles. wrists. strangled. asphyxiated. in the red. (game over) thrashing. writhing. disaster. melee. distorted. tortured. contorted. convoluted. wound-up. let-down. thwarted. plans. ruined. warped. action. potential. squandered. consumed. overwhelmed. frustrated. ¿por qué? 'be okay' 'please be fine' 'please keep breathing' betrayal. betrayed. betrothen. engaged. pledged. praying. entreating. pleading. 'please don't leave me' 

Ictal- ick. Icarus. too high. flown-away. danger. too close. hot cheeks. spurned. smited. burnt. combusted. descended. injured. plummeted. limbs extended. triggered. aroused. fomented. throes. legs bent. provoked. elicited. illicit. scorned. singed. hurt. stubborn. muddy. arched. splayed. flushed. pale. fluttering. posturing. internal. conflict. melee. purple. skin. pupils. deviated. dilated. rigid. visage. ashy. inanimate. pins-and-needles. needle stick. pricked. prickled. son-of-a-prick. tickle. rhythmic. tinnitis. feeling sick. wrestle. yaw. belch. moan. blue-lipped. stiff. nails. gums. gurgling. grunting. drain-circling. cerulean. cold. clawing. blank. cyanosis. cyanotic. hypoxia. exposed. heat. fever. concrete. flared. fumbling. asphalt. aphasia. flaming. barnstorming performance. clothes-picking. tongue-biting. tongue-tied. saliva. intrusion. assailed. ambushed. attacked. listing. distressed. gone under. calamity. SOS. save me. 911! Emergency! Dial! hail. dispatch. dispatcher (but i don't even know her). paramedics. police. 'There she goes!' 'Timber!' sirens. wailing. sounding. Titanic. failure. hands on deck 'get a towel' RMS Epileptic is sinking. 

Postictal- dense. foggy misty. dumb-as-a-post. stunned. bungled. bumbled. unsteady. humbled. not ready. on-the-swerve. seizure puppet. muppet baby. pilfered. forgotten. crawling. gravel. grovel. reach for straws. wretch. wobbble. no escape. scathed. hands-and-knees. scraped. strafed. befuddled. wounded. wiped out. ashamed. embarassed. unwanted. hot-potato. potato head. rotten. bruised. spoiled. burned-out. looted. jarred shaken. despondent. disoriented. bearings lost. Humpty Dumpty. shell-shocked. shell cracked. insides-out. confidence-dashed. duped. slumped. lacerated. depleted. brutalized. brawled. bamboozled. zapped. zonked. slumped. sheepish. abashed. lips zipped. vanquished. trounced. tripped. pummeled. pounced. held down. battled. combative. fighting. futile. skirmish. dog-piled. sullied. rattled. soiled. pooped. soaking. barfy. mortified. tended to. no words. first aid. assistance. first-responders. reassured. bundled. backed. buttressed. rescued. covered. IV cannulas. peace of mind. scooped up. swooped up. signed refusal. advocates. ambulance. helicopter. intubated. life-supported. merciful. helpers. army. lifted. buoyed. forever-indebted. kept afloat. restored. revived. released. cavalry. police. paramedics. doctors. nurses. pillows. blankets. shirts off backs. firemen. EMTs. innocent bystanders. steeled. gaining altitude. enduring. heartened. indurate. grateful. 'we're here with you' 'you're alright' 'here's some water' 'don't be sorry' 'hold my hand'  gratitude. gratitude...like a heartbeat. Relieved. 

Inter-ictal-  nervous. risky. iffy. chancy. what-iffing. neurotic. catastrophizing. barn sour. buzzing. disclosure. divulging. disclaimer. closing in. bearing down. fated. insecure. disillusioned. awkward. owing. castaway. marooned. limbo. lampooned. buffoon. leaving. AMA. eloped. had enough. road-to-hoe. atrophy. festering. strength. waning. Sisyphus. struggle. hopeless. helpless. impotent. snowball. cascade. avalanche. exacerbated. isolated. speeding. rolling. downhill. hasty. heart-racing. momentum. growing. slippery-slope. migraine. achy. malaise. same song. same dance. pitiful. pity. repeating. repeating. blood draws. MRIs. labs. CT scans. neurology. assessments. a million apologies. survivor's guilt. admission. depression. jinxed. omission. secret. shrouded. cloaked. PTSD. superstition. que será. exasperated. searching. seeking. resigned. re-searching. committed. confined. enclosed. cooped up. stripped. detained. taboo. brain-mapped. hospital bed. battleship. bed alarms. bed pans. bare-assed. catheters. watched. proctored. monitored. under observation. scrutinized. insomnia. managed. assessed. whack-a-mole. at-a-loss. clandestine. unmentionable. date-with-destiny. entrenched. mountains. valleys. somber. somnolent. gravid. graveyard. rubble. death. restless. uneasy. unreasonable. accommodations. cathartic. kid gloves. hovering. looming. anathema. animus. ominous. underlying. unspoken. soldiering. still going. keeping on. clinging. hospital socks. slipping down. grippy dots. don't fail me now. Maranatha. Lord come quickly. Your will be done. Re

Benzodiazepine- die. dying. diazepam. benzo. bozo. blackout. smashed. hazy. crushed. inky. incapacitated. opaque. brick. hit the rim. seizure rebound. spirit catches you and you fall down. central nervous system shutdown. respiratory-depression. power-outage. circuits. shorted. lights out. dampened. hampered. distant. withdrawing. alone. longing. formication. skin-crawling. pawing. pausing. sloppy. topple. mask. facade. need. stash. hoard. short-supply. dopey. snow globe. anesthetized. house abandoned. not home. out-to-lunch. door slammed. suppressed. soupy. grimy. barefoot. banished. PO. buccal. buckled. oral. PRN. 'as-needed' 'for seizures' tablets. drip. intravenous. intranasal. intramuscular. injection. inhibit. cope. squelch. midazolam. ativan. lorazepam. timenapper van. lifenapper van. boomerang. how'd we get here? under water. out-to-sea. amnesia. swept away. goodbye, dignity. hello, fatigue. head down to the rectal suppository. diastat. and 'figure your shit out'. 'please'

Seizure- seizure salad. Julius Caesar. tryant. dictator. overtake. overlord. word-salad. brain-salad. attention-seek. theatrics. lost in space. teleported. dropped-out. fixed gaze. fright train  twinge. tingle. swelling. prodrome. blessed warning. induced. suspended. stranded. heavy. hanging by a thread. contracted. quicksand. quicken. seizure threshhold. pit. abyss. brink. void. teeter. cliff. precipice. foisted. avoidant. hurled. chasm. scarp. spastic. spasm. cramp. crevasse. palisade. pang. apprehension.  indiscriminate. merciless. tense. braced. hyper-vigilant. aspirate. cease. stricken. snatched up. departed. detached. lip-smacking. in the clutches. carpe diem. seizure day. hash mark. eating carpet. carpet-bomb. cluster. carping. seized. unconscious. involuntary. lose control. exploring. probed. violent. surfed. sunk. floor safari. syringe. lobes. frontal. parietal. temporal. occipital. meningial. lobectomy. lobotomy, resection. spanner in the works. textbook. hallmark. complex. flop. sweat. vomit. filth. flailing. fail. bladder. bowels. fluids. leaking. seeped out. suplex. faceplant. pain in the proverbial eggplant. flopping like a porpoise. lost. swimming. treading water. flounder. adrift. unmoored. sucked asunder. jellyfish. sore. unsettled. untethered. frothing. on the ground. maggot. not grounded. harpooned. pooched. slayed. slain. anxious. guttural. groan. cry. wince. angst. yell loudly. reaching out. shout into darkness. evulsion. evil. revolting. rebellion. repulsive. bellow. convulsive. voided. incontinence. gripped. gripe. worry. fret. fear. nothing to hold onto. slipping. weeping. nightwatch. stopwatch. crap. protracted. time it. 'hang on, buckaroo.' 'keep breathing' 'we love you.' 8 seconds. eternity. 

Vagal Nerve Stimulator- (titillating, isn't it?) stimulation. stimulated. stimulator. stimulus. pulse-generator. implant. interred. embedded. electrode. undercover. covert. VNS. vague. trip to Venus. Vegus. wanderer. invasion. alien. foreign. body. scar. incision. last-nerve. tenth nerve. cranial nerve. [CN][X]. cost-benefit-analysis. gamble. dicey. dyspnoea. decided. impulse. decisions. wheeze. breathless. bated. waiting. arrhythmia. infection. stitches. slit. sliced open. knots. knotted up. sutures. interrupted. no avail. naughty. coiled. wrapped. frayed. in-the-fray. focal-motor. prophylactic. neuromodulation. esophageal. hiatus. heralded. MAUDE. report. inoperable. raspy voice. frontal lobotomy. pectoralis fascia. chest pocket. cerebrum. cerebellum. frontal cortex. glial. corpus collostomy. thalamus. basal ganglia. brainstem. bionic. cyberonics. LivaNova. no va. no go. 'help her' 'help her, Mom' 'Jesus' 'please' 'swipe the magnet'

Drugs- druggie. addict. bum. derelict. bummed-out. strung-out. taught-as-a-tick. psychoactive, psychotropic. numb. obtunded. spacey. capsule. sluggish. blitzed. dependent. deep end. dragged. alarm-set. impaired. spaced-out. hooked. netted. reeling. caught. digging through rubbish. memory-loss. sloshed. drugged. stupor. hashtag. poundsign. #AimforZero, loser. cobwebs. dusty. vacant. attic. panacaea. pills. inscriptions. magic. beanstalk beans. bullets. bitter. tablets. cognitive. deficits. retarded. sedated. vain. seeking. diving. jaded. elaborate. incessant. incantations: la-mo-tri-gine. le-ve-tir-a-ce-tam. lac-o-sa-mide. ox-car-baz-a-pine. carb-a-maz-a-pine. pheny-toin. zo-nis-a-mide. phen-o-barb-it-al. val-pro-ic-a-cid. gab-a-pen-tin. to-pir-a-mate...honeymoon. crestfallen. titrate. taper. vacated. skeptical. drowning. defeated. medi-cull. medi-cult. donezodiazepined. habituated. tolerance. missed-dose anxiety. refractory. frequency. too many. episodes. garbled. wrong channel. static. snowed. M.Dieties. wanton. empty. bottles. ineffective. regimen. vital-mins. vials. vitals-in-the-toilet. oblivious. denial. bitter. black label. AED darts. anti-*epileptic* medications- (anti *'person with epilepsy?') infinite. side-effects. toss back. swallow. slurring. slowing. spinning. hopium. hope-on-a-rope. delusions. wallow. 'word-finding deficit' read-a-script. prescribed.  non-compliant. unsubscribed. defiant. denied. vulnerable. suggestible. choke down. susceptible. swaying. public nuisance. dork. gorked.  strain on the system. Gonzo Lorenzo.  Alice in Wonderland. out-of-your-gourd. 'love you honey, but we just can't do this anymore'

Disabled- invalid. infirm. handicapped. crippled. feeble. incompetent. damaged goods. victim. debilitated. undermined. out-of-commission. cloistered. exiled. disordered. insufficient. derpy. daffy. dolt. defective. 'affirmative-action hire' reject. fruitless. maimed. mutilated. effed. 'handicapable' pariah. ailing. feckless. smooth-brained. problem child. diminished. bereft. annulled. faulty. stunted. moribund. good-for-nothing. useless. torn. knocked down. burden. slow kid. impotent. blemished. red shirted. demanding. desperate. dolt. disqualified. meager. weak. hors de combat. benched from life. God-forsaken. disavowed. cast aside. blighted. dulled. fragile. vegetable. NA. besmirched. wilted. shriveled. delayed. disappointing. cross-to-bear. burgled. charity case. discarded. bound and gagged. robbed. chasing. clipped wings.freak. grief. statistic. hogtied. dead weight. hobbled. timid. hijacked. kneecapped. gutted. deceased. buried. grieving. bargaining. 

'here lies hope' rest in peace, my darling dreams. 

Tonic-clonic- gin and tonic. giant. Goliath. evil spirits. tipsy. topsy. turvy. fizzle. stirred. swirl. pop. swizzle. bubble. fizz. surge. let loose. touched. possessed. inhabited. owing. owned. Legion. jinn. demons. mauled. dirty. sabotaged. violated. exorcism. unquenchable. back-and-forth. self-destruct. mutiny. micturia. ironic. paradox. chronic. afflicted. paroxysm. painless. illness. diagnosis. catastrophic. brain-dead. on-the-rocks. contagious. tumbling. tumult. plate tectonic. shifty. seismic. lightning. bolted. hiatus. jolted. AWOL. jilted. jitters. voltage. eruption. purulent. boils. lanced. embroiled. exploded. blinking. bulb. breakthrough. broken through. shaking. bleeding. shaky. bloody. vicious. Grand mal- petty mal. malevolent. malicious. mal-adaptive. bad. larceny. crook. torched. razed. arson. cooked. Populus tremuloides. shaken. quaking aspen. tremling leaf. shook.

 Aura-  (alright sounding, I guess) trusty warning. premonition. mixed blessing. faithful. shepherd. lambs to slaughter. creeping upward. paresthesia. foreboding. stomach dropping. tide rising. threat mounting. dread swelling. faustian bargain. savior.  beseeching. Jacksonian. marching. mind-over-matter. matter-of-time. ticking timebomb. 'oh no' 'you again' 'shit, shit, darn it' fickle friend.

Absence- blank stare. absent (gone.)

Have i missed anything? (Have i sufficiently flogged this long-dead, heavy-hoofed, hyperbolic, horrort?)

...And HEY LOOK! Brand new lambs!.

woop woop /s

I don't believe in jinxes. (I tell myself.)

But I do believe in manifestation, in prayer, in quantum. 

I believe we're mostly dust and clay and a few random elements strung up a lattice of code, spiraling out like yarn from our thoughts and the stories we tell about ourselves; plied together with the stories we accept from the outside about us. Fibers. Looming. The portal on the spinning wheel of existence. The 'orifice' the part on the wheel where thread feeds through from the spinners hands to the bobbin, my sister says it's called. Or something. 

When I came here and posted the police report my intention was to close out the chapter and turn this into a sheep-shearing blog. I still have lots of shearing pictures and stories i'm looking forward to sharing with you.

I'm a poor historian. Has it been a few months now things have been a little off? Not bad, just wonky. Could have strung a yarn or two from it, but mostly just the usual attention-seeking antics and nothing much to report. Gratitude. Then for whatever reason, whyeverthefuck i had the audacity to poke the proverbial bear i guess. Posting here. (Kidding/not kidding, ha.)

Fought the cops again, you guys. Ugh. When I didn't think i could possibly be more embarrassed than i'd already been on this seizure-having journey, i'm, pretty sure i went and leveled up. I should probably explain the whole scene. I remember more gory details than i care to admit. Feck. Am I just mellowdrama? Goodness. Can you see my sweet bruise?

I'm fairly confident with things, but I'm afraid i'll always feel insecure about having seizures. Is it bad telling those stories? It really seemed like we'd come to some sort of understanding, the local first-responders and me. I don't want to be that person any more. I barely have it in me taking on my own gremlins much less fighting helpers. Especially not the strong and strapped and tactical ones. And i'm a whole new level of mortified. What the actual.?

Anyhow, don't get to thinking *this* is my like okay?! Somehow yet another, anomalous, head shake interaction starring yours truly. Like a cringe Ben Stiller movie. Is another one of those play-by-plays going to be hard to stomach? Geeze. See below for footage of my *actual* life (our mom feeding a new lamb at my sister's. [Forgive my awful voice in the background]) and i'll try to muster up the courage to tell you how this last debacle went...

 

The Catchening Upping

Goodness. You're unbelievable being here, not giving up on me and my musings. Holy cow. 

Life's been good for the most part.

About a week after I last checked in here, which was just after I lost my job at the community center, I ran into some local business owners who I'd worked for previously. They asked if I could use any work and I said as a matter of fact I could. I've been working on their farmstead as a farm hand/factotem ever since. 

They're a neat couple and have taken me in like family. Her father was head of NASA during the Apollo missions. (You could say her family came to the states from Germany on a paperclip after 1940 Armistice, if you know what i mean...) Her husband grew up in South Idaho on a dairy farm and straight out of college got a job working for the EPA and put at the head of the largest superfund site in the lower 48. Working for them reminds me of my ranch job on the river in a lot of ways. 

I dated a guy for a couple of years, an orchardist/pig farmer. It was mostly good. He was a great friend on a lot of fronts when it was nice to have a great friend. We were aligned philosophically on most things, just not big, big picture. (For the record, he dumped me, ultimately.) It took me a little by surprise, but I wasn't totally broken up over it. Ah well. 

And that's pretty much it! Farm hand most of the time and lately we've been sheep-shearing (me and my sister!). I'm fixin to make a whole post about my first run shearing on a crew, but generally i've been pretty bad about documenting the cool places and cute things we've encountered out de-fleecing. (It's a little nerve-wracking. Once we've established ourselves with our small flock customers, and as we get better, we'll be a little braver taking pictures and recording things, hopefully.)

I did get the VNS replaced. They swap out the whole generator, not just the battery. It seems a little different than the last one. I'm still not totally off the fence with this iteration, either, I'll admit, but it's probably a net positive, i'd guess. I aim to make a whole post about it someday. Maybe.

The last couple of months have been squirrely. Nothing totally spectacular, thankfully, save for one public display of affliction in front of the checkout counters at the local grocery store about a month ago. At this point part of me assumes the whole town has seen already, but it doesn't stop whatever shards of pride i have left from being mortified for a while after it happens somewhere busy.

Mostly i'm trying to not be a shite show between now and February. My sister and I have a spot on a shearing crew again. I'm trying not to be too excited. I love shearing so much. Don't think she wants to take me if I'm having seizures, though, so... Ah well.

Guess I need to take the dog out. We're back in the darkness these days, up here. 

Hope you're finding plenty of light to fill your heart wherever you are, dear reader.