Music's Like a Snuggie for Your Soul


Saturday, September 29, 2018

Sorry for turning this place into such a cesspool. I don't mean to come here, dump shit and disappear, leaving behind dead and beheaded parcels like the feral, deranged UPS cat. I've always been a shit corresponder. Always mean to do better, and my ineptitude consistently betrays my care for the people I value most. Not sure what that is.

I've been existing at floor level, a crumpled worthless mess for a couple of years now, it feels. Quitting my job has eliminated a lot of bullshit stress from my day-to-day, but I've also missed a lot of my support in the forms of good friends and financial stability. I have a part-time gig that pays hourly what I was making after 5 years at my last job, but I need to find something else soon to make ends meet.

I don't know if I'll ever snap out of it. I'm a slug. I don't write, or art or music any more. Just dull, uninspired day-to-day work, eat, sleep, repeat.

My leg is mostly healed. It's one of those things like swirling salt into a wound that reinforces the fact you're not a normal person and even healing a broken leg presents extra hurdles and setbacks for someone with seizures. But, thankfully, being fairly young and previously fit, I've managed to slog through to the lighter end of the tunnel and, save for some residual strangeness, and more twinges than pains, i can walk a fine mile or two without a stick, and bike around town, no problem.

Wanna my sweet X-Rays?

The lines are the traction device. (It was not very effective, apparently.)

After surgery.
(Dr. added pen marks to show callus formation process whatever)

New leg! Said they used the longest rod they make.
Thank God not having to wait for a longer one on special order!

I even got my shit gathered and packed for two week-long river trips this summer, both of which I planned and organized and went off mostly without a hitch, miraculously, save for the one in my giddy-up. The trips had been my carrot during my femur recovery process and they were both incredible weeks in some of the most treasured places, but while I'd expected to feel rejuvenated after, I've felt nothing but flat. Like I stepped out of the boat and fell back on my face and just stayed that way. 

I don't really want to leave my house most days. Taking for granted a new leg, taking for granted any day that isn't FUBAR'ed by unseen and uncontrollable forces, but I'm depleted. Resigned. I feel so guilty for feeling so stuck, and letting it all pass by without due reverence, a heap of indolence, intentions and inaction. 

My mom has been helping me pay for counseling. I hear it's a slow process, but I'm hopeful. So I'm trying to work on things. Maybe I can make good and start giving back all the life I've sucked from the planet. Do more good, give more for a change, and be less blah, and debilitated by defeat and fear and hopelessness. I have so much. I know how lucky I am. Most viscerally. How glad to have it all return when it comes reeling back to you.

What is my fucking problem?!


  1. I know exactly what your problem is- you have depression. You have every symptom in the book and I imagine that the therapist has probably brought this up and if not, change therapists. Easy for me to say. I have felt and do feel a lot exactly like you're describing. And knowing viscerally how lucky I am makes it worse. Because I'm an ungrateful whiny bitch. But no. I'm not really. I have depression. Sometimes it's not as bad as other times. Sounds like you're in a pretty bad time. I don't know if you even can take medication for it, much less if it would help you but if it would be okay, it would be worth a shot. Please know that this will pass. I swear. From experience I know this. But I also know how it feels to not believe that and not even really care. And it sucks. It sucks the biggest donkey dicks and I am so sorry that this has come upon you but it's not surprising considering everything that's beset you in the last few years.
    So I'm not going to tell you to buck up and wait for the light to show up again. I'm going to tell you that you just have to keep on living until it does. And to try, for the love of GOD, not to feel guilty about an illness. Okay?
    I love and adore you. I can see your light even if you can't. I swear.
    Yours faithfully and in truth...Mary Moon
    P.S. If a lot of people start telling you that "all you need" is more physical exercise, some sort of supplements, yoga, mediation, green tea, blah, blah, blah, feel free to try any and all and if you have already tried them all and they didn't help, don't feel like it's your fault because it is not.

  2. What Ms. Moon said.

    I have so much to be thankful for and still depression drags me under at times. It's a relentless disease.

  3. Thank you for sharing valuable information nice post,I enjoyed reading this post.


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