This was a quick evening kayak excursion after work last week. (Sorry, i don't have a mount for the camera so i was just holding it in one hand and hand-paddling with the other. And i don't know why the audio is absent at the beginning and comes in at the end, and same with the slow motion, but whatevs.) I'm pretty sure things are going to be okay.
It's a little over two months right now to get in to see the PA to have the VNS device checked. I probably could express greater urgency, but meh. I have these perfect, flat magnets i can use to turn the motherfucker off in the event i feel like my heart is going whacky and i need to eliminate that as the reason.
I kayaked and played hockey and while i'm still wicked tired all the time, i didn't drop dead of a coronary event or anything.
My April fool's weekend was another delicious couple of days on the Lochsa along the Selway-Bitteroot Wilderness and even still, i feel taut as a drum in my chest. I'm surrounded by golden, crepuscular bursts of radiant spring light, new leaves, vibrant hues, emerging victorious blossoms, hope, fresh growth, rain kisses sparkling on clean earth, exuberant bird songs, rejuvenating rivers, and a million other omens of yes! ... yet, i'm a shrew. Uneasy. Keeping my bumbershoot open, not so much for the spring rains as for the seemingly ever-imminent, god-forsaken, other shoe.
Right now i don't know if it will be a family member, something global, a big seizure, something stupid with cannabis legislation or my own vulnerable cannabis-dependent situation, or what, but i have an awful sense of foreboding. It will be okay, ultimately. It will be okay; i still feel that to be true, but what's impending that has me so edgy i wonder? Maybe i'm high (likely), but i don't normally feel like this. I'm pretty sure. That i can remember. Well, maybe i am 'Always-Something-Allison'. Shoot me now. Gah. Don't. Sheesh.
Love you.
Night.
Everything's going to be alright. Eventually. I promise us.
